Keep Hoping

After we did not receive our approval yesterday, and knowing that we would not receive it today either due to Election Day, we felt caged in and down. I began to set little goals for myself-like drinking more water and doing what little exercise I can in our room and trying on Kalina's clothes for our return trip. There is so little that we can do during our days here. I also told Nadeem that I was determined to go out of the apartment. We decided to take a walk to the store down the street while Kalina napped. I bought a notebook so that I could organize the bills my mom has been emailing us.
On our walk, I quickly recalled why I dislike going outside. Men were putting a sort of tar on the road by hand. Unlike in America, there is no equipment here to help with manual labor. They had huge fires going, sending black smoke billowing into the air, as they heated up huge piles of coal to help with their work. Can you imagine the odor? In addition to this, we passed countless beggars and dodged cars and rickshaws all honking horns and ringing bells.
As we walked, I noticed what seemed to be a park. Even though it was only a ten minute walk from our apartment, I knew we couldn't walk Kalina here. Maybe we could get a ride one day though. We decided to check it out. From a distance it looked promising, with what appeared to be green grass, walking paths, some trees, and the pretty blue sky above it. Once we entered the gates, we saw a boy and a man urinating openly, trash everywhere, weeds acting as grass, and crowds of people. Sadly we could not take Kalina here.
This morning while spending time praying and reading my Bible I felt very disconnected, reading and speaking without heart. I stopped to ponder why and realized what had happened. When we didn't get our approval, I lost hope and closed my heart to avoid further disappointment.
We all try to fill ourselves up in different ways. Some are socially unacceptable like drinking alcohol or doing drugs to feel better. Some are socially acceptable such as working hard, serving in our churches, or having children. Some of these activities can be good, but not if we're using them to fill ourselves up instead of letting God fill us up. My way of filling up is through busyness. I love being active. I hate being bored. I've learned over time that I use busyness to hide from God and feel good on my own. The problem is that it doesn't really work. Even in our perpetual state of inactivity here, I tried to make myself some activity or purpose. My heart didn't trust God. He had let me down. I had gotten my hopes up. Nadeem and I had prayed in faith, not a quick prayer, but constantly throughout the day. We had fought hard to keep the faith and hope. Then, nothing. No US approval.
God's message to me this morning was to turn to Him and continue to have faith and hope. Nadeem agreed but said that it's so much harder the second time. We've already been let down once, at least according to how we feel. Yet there is a battle raging, and we must stand firm. God has given us promises. We will honor Him by continuing to hope and not falling into despair. He WILL deliver us. We're one day closer to coming home.
Already we're struggling after coming before God this morning to tell Him that we're standing firm. We can't go to the lake again today. As of now, it looks like we won't be able to go for several more days. That means more days inside this apartment with nothing to do. That was some disappointing news. Then the enemy starts to feed us lies that we'll be here forever and prompt us to doubt and question how we'll make it through another day. God is stronger!
"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful."
-Hebrews 10:23