Being in Bangladesh has been extrememly challenging since we first arrived, but now that Kalina is here, there is a whole new level of challenge. First of all, we are brand new parents of a tiny baby in a foreign third world country. Forget the conveniences of home-nice nursery, car seats, baby toys, washers, dryers, dishwashers, reliable electricity, air conditioning-I could go on! It's one thing for Nadeem and me to adjust to a new land. Trying to take care of Kalina here is hard. Not only do we not have our luxuries, we do not have our friends and family here. We rely on God so much for love, wisdom, guidance, and comfort. When Kalina first arrived last week, truthfully I felt nothing in my heart. I've never really liked babies. I adore kids, but babies-well, they're scary to me! My first couple of days were rather dutiful, trying to take care of the baby God called us to come and get. In addition, Nadeem and I have been really nervous as new parents. In my mind I knew Kalina was ours, but I couldn't totally grasp that truth or feel it in my heart.
Last night we went to have dinner with some of Nadeem's extended family. In order to get there, we all (5 adults, baby, and driver) piled into a small Toyota. There are no car seats here. Even if we had one, there is no room for it. We were packed in like sardines with me holding Kalina. Driving here is so scary anyhow, and I had a tiny baby in the car! Again, you must trust God for protection and peace. When we arrived for dinner, the evening was very stressful. Remember that we don't speak the language. I don't understand all of the customs. For me, it's hard enough. With Kalina, it's really difficult. Some ladies immediately snatched her out of my arms and took her to another room so that I could eat. At home I might appreciate that, but here it felt scary. Who were these people with my baby? Here adoption is seen as a lack of God's blessing. Later on the women tried to tell me how to parent Kalina. One lady even grabbed her while she was lying on her back, put her on her stomach, and made her cry. All of a sudden I felt an anger rise up in me. I'm sorry to say that I was ready to rip the lady's head off! How dare her mess with my baby! This is my little girl! I knew at that moment that she was mine and that I loved her with all my heart. I knew this baby. I didn't need others to tell me about her. I'm the one who has been with her, and I know her routines and moods and needs. She wouldn't sleep the whole night there because she was so nervous. Her daddy says she is like me, hiding her true feelings. She appeared to be the perfect baby, so cute and alert, but really she couldn't relax. They kept saying she needed food, but she didn't. As soon as I took her back in my arms, she looked in my eyes, held my fingers, and fell asleep. All night whenever I was with her, she'd look in my eyes and smile.
These past few days have been extra hard. It's one thing to wait on God just the two of us. Waiting on God when we're concerned about Kalina is hard. Our minds race with questions: How will we get home? When will we get home? Should we fly home for fingerprints and leave our daughter behind? Who will take care of her? How can we possibly leave her when she's already been abandoned once in her young life? We have prayed and feel that God has clearly said to us "Do not leave your child. Stay and wait." We don't know the plan, though. I find myself questioning God's faithfulness and goodness. Where are you, God? Why have you abandoned us here? The enemy's trick is to get us to doubt God and see Him in the wrong light. As I think about the love I have for Kalina is such a short time, I remember that this love comes from God. My human love can never match God's love for us. If I fel a fierce protection over my child, God feels that same way over us. Maybe last night Kalina felt that we had abandoned her. That wasn't the truth. We were there all along. God is here with us, too. Just like Kalina in my arms, I have to rest in God's arms and trust Him.
"Do not fear...let not your hands be weak. The Lord your God is in your midst. The mighty one will save. He will rejoice over you with gladness. He will quiet you with His love. He will rejoice over you with singing." -Zephaniah 3:17
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Sherri and Nadeem,
I can't imagine all that you are going through right now. But I remember becoming a first-time parent, and I remember the way I felt about caring for Zach. There is a tremendous sense of responsibility and desire to protect; it must be difficult to feel in control of Kalina's care when there is so much out of your control. Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing wonderful job of making Kalina feel secure in her new situation. With your faith in God and desire to do His will, He will grant you strength during this challenging time. I pray that your US approval (and the fingerprint approval) will be granted soon.
With love, Jill
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