Help My Unbelief

I really like the verses in Mark in which a man came to Jesus to ask for healing for his son. Jesus said to him, "If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes. Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears, 'Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!'" (Mark 9:23, 24) How I can relate to that! From deep within, my soul believes! I've read God's Word, I've experienced God's hand, and I believe! However, there's another part of me, the human flesh part of me, that looks around at what I see and thinks about how I feel and tries to reason and understand with my mind and then cries out, "Help my unbelief!"
I take comfort in recognizing that this seems to be a common struggle among us. I am amazed by the passage of scripture in Mark in which Jesus was teaching multitudes, but they had no food to eat, only five loaves of bread and two fish. Jesus miraculously multiplied the food to feed about 5,000 men. His disciples witnessed this! Wouldn't that absolutely astound you?! Yet, in the very next passage, the text reads "immediately He made His disciples get into the boat". In other words, right after this miracle occured, the disciples boarded a boat and then faced heavy winds. Jesus walked on the water to them and calmed the winds. You would expect them to act in total faith, having just witnessed an incredible miracle. However, they were troubled and thought Jesus must be a ghost walking on the water. Help my unbelief!
I'm reading the true story of the American missionary, Darlene Deibler, who was in a Prisoner of War camp during World War II for four years. During that time, she experienced God's hand on multiple occasions. Her diet consisted of a daily plate of rice filled with white worms and tiny pebbles. The flies fought her for the food while mosquitos bit her repeatedly. She became quite ill with dysentery and malaria. (and we complain over mosquito bites we get while we're sleeping!) After some time she decided to pray to God for healing, and He healed her...immediately!
On another day, she woke to find that someone had planted a knife in her cell. She was terrified, thinking the guards would try to sabotage her and tell lies that she was a spy. She didn't know how to get rid of the knife. She prayed fervently, and three days later, the knife disappeared, even though nobody had entered or exited her cell to her knowledge.
Later on, she watched a female prisoner walk near the edge of the grounds and secretly get some bananas. Darlene craved those bananas! She began to talk to God about this, asking Him if she could please have a banana. Darlene began to think of how this could possibly happen since she was in seclusion. She pondered which guard might bring her one, but she could see no way of having her craving fulfilled. The next day, a guard she had known from a previous camp appeared. When he left, he asked her current guard to deliver a gift-not just one banana, but 92! She wept and said, "Lord, forgive me; I'm so ashamed. I couldn't trust You enough to get even one banana for me. Just look at them-there are almost a hundred." God whispered to her heart, "That's what I delight to do, the exceeding abundant above anything you ask or think." Darlene reports that she knew in that moment that nothing is impossible to God. Why in that moment? Why not after her healing and removal of the knife? Help my unbelief!
In Bangladesh, we've witnessed God provide us victory at court so that we could be Kalina's parents. We've seen Him get us approval for our I600A after Nadeem's fingerprints were approved. We've seen Him strengthen us on a daily basis. However, when faced with the news that we could not get Kalina's visa now, that we must have a certificate from the Bangladesh government, why was my first response disappointment, doubt and despair? Why did I listen to the voices of man again who told me that they had no idea how to get this certificate and that it seemed impossible? Why did I give in to my feelings of fear of being in a foreign country where I'm totally helpless-having no transportation, no ability to communicate in their language, and no way of knowing how to get this certificate? Why did I fall into despair, feeling we'd never go home? Help my unbelief!
A couple of years ago, I really wrestled with my faith. I had many questions and doubts. I read the story in Joshua about God drying up the waters of the Jordan River so that the people could cross over. Once this happened, God told Joshua that representatives from all twelve tribes should take twelve stones from the river. These stones would be a sign and a memorial to the children forever, so that they'd know that the hand of the Lord is mighty. (Joshua 4) When I read this story, I felt prompted to get stones of my own. I went to Michael's craft store and bought a bag of river pebbles and a black Sharpie marker. I spent time at home recalling all the times when God had answered my prayers. I recorded these on the stones. I now have a full container of stones! When I doubt, I sometimes pour the stones out and hold them one at a time, reading and remembering. The stones also link together, and I can see how God was working in a bigger way than I initially understood when a single prayer was answered.
I think God knows how quick we are to forgot, how slow we are to remember as humans. In the Bible, He tells us to remember-by using tangible reminders such as stones and by keeping written record of His works.
When I first started following God, I had nothing to record from my own experience. My family attended church sporadically, and I never really prayed until I was a young adult. When I became sick with mercury poisoning, I remembered a boy in my Sunday School class when I was 10 years old. He'd tell us stories about how his family prayed and God answered. He'd tell the accounts very matter-of-factly, like this was a normal part of his life. This fascinated me. Years later, when I faced unexplained symptoms, I remembered this boy and one particular story of how his family prayed for a washing machine, and God provided for them. I started to pray to God myself, and then I began to know Him and see His hand in my life.
This morning as I've alternated between writing this and caring for Kalina, the phone rang with a call for Nadeem. That's really strange here because nearly all of our friends and family are at home and don't call us. It was one of his uncles, a former ambassador and ex-foreign secretary of Bangladesh. He has contacted the head of the Home Ministry and explained our urgent need for a "no objection certificate." They'll be waiting for Nadeem on Sunday to help us obtain this as quickly as possible. Praise God!
"who delivered us...who does deliver us....in whom we trust that He will still deliver us" -2 Corinthians 1:10